So… my Lady is yelling at me to write, so writing is happening. No idea what she actually wants me to write about, so here goes nothing.
(Thus follows a conversation with my Lady, in the style of MagicfromScratch’s convos with her gods. Possibly because I’m in no shape–either physically or emotionally–to do my usual Love Notes check-in, much less the kind of journeywork that I would normally do with Her for this. So, we’ll see how it goes.)
Freya: I LOVE YOU.
Me: Yes, ma’am; I know.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND.
Quite possibly, you are right.
QUIT THAT SNARKY ATTITUDE AND LISTEN TO ME, YOUNG LADY.
(Whoa, that’s a new attitude. Rarely have I ever gotten the classic Mom stance from Her. I look at Odin. He smirks.) Dude, don’t smirk at people. It’ll ruin your reputation. (He grins wider.) Sigh.
I HAVE CALLED DOWN ALL OF THE GODS AND ALFS AND WIGHTS AND SPIRITS IN MY POWER TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN FOR YOU.
This what? This insane move all of a sudden?
IT’S NOT “ALL OF A SUDDEN”. YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING.
Yeah, I knew something was eventually going to come, but not this. Not yet.
(SIGHS) YOU KNEW THAT *THIS* WAS COMING. YOU KNEW THAT THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.
Is this why I spent so much time at home over the 4th? Was that a try-out?
DID IT CONVINCE YOU THAT MOVING BACK HOME WAS POSSIBLE?
Yeah, I guess so.
THEN IT WORKED. IT IS HARVEST TIME. THE SEEDS YOU’VE SOWN HAVE BECOME RIPE. THE WORK HERE IS DONE. ARE YOU BORED WITH CA?
In a lot of ways, yes.
THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON. YOU’VE WORK TO DO IN OTHER PLACES.
*sigh* So what was up with all of this stuff the last two years? The intense, almost compulsive need to work with (the god who eventually turned out to be) Zeus, start the Greek group, and learn about and help build communitas among the various pagan groups out here, and connect with all of the Heathen groups? What was that about?
GOOD WORK, SWEETIE. I LOVE YOU. /BEAM
ZEUS SAYS HELLO, BY THE WAY.
Thanks. Tell him I’ll call him later. I know I’m late.
HE SAYS NOT TO WORRY; THE GIRLS WILL HANDLE IT. (As a slightly humorous side note, the minute I got off the “phone” with Freya, Zeus jumped on and said, “The woman does not speak for me! Here is what I wanted to tell you…”)
So I have done well, then? [I look at her altar again for confirmation.] Shoot! I forgot to pour you that drink. [I find the bottle of chocolate whipped cream liqueur on Her altar as well.] Do you want the chocolate vodka or the raspberry honey vodka tonight?
[I pour and taste it. It tastes exactly as amazing as it sounds.] That’s amazing.
POUR YOURSELF SOME.
Don’t mind if I do. (I pour)
ALL OF THESE YEARS, WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TEACH YOU IS THAT YOU DON’T NEED ANY “LEGITIMACY”. YOU ALREADY HAVE IT. BY EXISTING–JUST BEING YOU, AND WALKING THE PATH YOU WALK–YOU ALREADY HAVE IT. NO ONE NEEDED TO GIVE IT TO YOU. BUT UNTIL YOU UNDERSTOOD THAT, YOU WERE STUCK.
YOU NEED TO CHOOSE YOUR OWN WAY. BLAZE YOUR OWN PATH. CHART YOUR OWN STARS. I WILL FOLLOW. I WILL ALWAYS FOLLOW.
But… I work for you, right? Isn’t everything I do a reflection of you, an action that at least on some level was chosen by you in helping carrying out your plan? Making, you know, your change in the world?
YES, TO AN EXTENT. MY INTENT NEVER WAS–AND NEVER HAS BEEN–TO USURP YOUR POWER IN YOUR OWN LIFE. JUST THE THOUGHT IS ANATHEMA TO ME. [Yes, we both speak in italics.]
But, I don’t know what to do now, then.
(SOBS) BE HAPPY. PLEASE GO BE HAPPY. YOU MAKE MY HEART BREAK WITH YOUR FEAR, YOUR LONELINESS, YOUR SORROW, QUIET DESPERATION AND DEPRESSION.
I’m not sure I really know how, my Lady. 😦
‘TIS ALWAYS BEEN THE WAY WITH YOUR FAMILY.
Yeah, I know. Generations of it.
GO HOME. LET THEM LEAD YOU.
Seriously? My emotionally detached (and possibly emotionally stunted) parents? And crazy extended family. And…whoever. Who?
YOU WILL KNOW THEM WHEN YOU FIND THEM.
[I hate vaguebooking. I especially hate vaguebooking when it comes from the Gods.]
Ok, so–this abrupt change is good, then? It will be a positive change in my life?
THAT DEPENDS SOLELY ON YOU. /click
Sigh. Wow. So to clarify my vaguebooking, financial and health and family things, plus a sudden and imminent rent increase and new lease, have made it so that I will be moving back in with my parents in my midwestern hometown come the end of October. It would have been the end of September, as that’s when the apartment changes will take place, but somehow Freya did get through my layers of shock last week and convey the need for me to be emotionally present and take my time with the leaving and grieving process before I leave CA, possibly for good. (Gods, it’s a bitch working for a love goddess sometimes. Being emotionally present is the last thing I want to do right now, I guarantee you.) And I’m freaking out. Granted my trip home went well, for the most part, and I enjoyed being back there, but that was before I had to go live there. Visiting is something else entirely. Maybe Freya didn’t pick up on that.
So, yes, freaking. And trying NOT to see this as a failure of adulthood. Trying to see this as an opportunity, not a life sentence. Trying to trust in Freya that there will be gold waiting for me to find when I get there. That this is a door opening as well as a door shutting. As a chance to make more connections, learn new things, and maybe get a bunch of the things that I’ve always wanted but I could never seem to nail down in CA: A house. A garden. A place to finally settle down, grow a family, and become the matriarch I’ve always wanted to be (long story). I just hadn’t thought it would happen yet. Not that I knew when “yet” would be. But I guess maybe twenty years after leaving my hometown, “yet” has finally arrived. The goal is not to become bitter and resentful upon my return.
I share all of this–any of this–because I’m just not that good at lying or covering things up, at least in print. It’s too much work. The point of blogging, for me, is just as much to help me get through things as it is to help others people who want to know about Freya or Heathenry or paganism/polytheism/spirituality/whatever. So you will all be getting to hear ALL about my growing pains and revelations and changes and such. Feel free to skip the processing posts; but know that they will be happening with great frequency–for a while, at least. Sorry, folks.