I’ve been in travel mode for about a week now. Like a cat in similar circumstances, my mind, body, and emotions freeze up until the moving is done. Once I finally arrive at my destination (in three weeks or so) I’ll relax, I keep telling myself. But today, after three straight days of crazy bad tech issues and car issues, I gave up and admitted that I need to relax now, or I’ll break before I ever make it home. And one of the things I’m working on is being more aware of the status of various parts of my life so as to avoid the pain and high cost of the actual breaking. as for the gods, mainly I’ve felt Hermes near (being god of travel and all, and firmly in his sphere), but his planet is in retrograde at the moment and He’s got more than enough to handle. In any event, I’m not nearly as connected to Him as I am to Freya, and so from him I get concern, but as from a great distance.
So at the end of this week–a massively challenging week–I land at a friend’s house where most (if not all) of my needs are met, and I can breathe. I finally decide to relax my shields and let Her in.
Her first words? “Don’t run from Me. Don’t fear Me.” If by “fear”, she means “shut down by ability to sense”, and by “Me” she means “all the emotions”, then She has a good point. But I’m not in the mood for feels, either good or bad, at this point. I’m happily (well… doggedly, at least) avoiding most feels because there’s just too much to handle, and anyway, I’ve got a zillion other practical concerns to address first. So, feels are still on the back burner for the most part.
Still, I miss her, and I miss it. I miss the connection with my Gods, ancestors, wights; with my emotions, however painful they may be; with my connection with other humans, which has also been impaired by this shutting down. So I turn my thoughts and consciousness towards Her.
She heals me in the ways that only She knows how. Today She’s a lover as well as a nurturer, and She lovingly embraces my body and helps me relax. Come back to your flesh, She says. Feel how nice it is to have a body, how nice it is to be caressed. I don’t usually experience Her as as the Lover, but, well, she is Freya. And like a familiar lover, she knows exactly how to open me up.
Unwind, open up. Feel us with you, surrounding you. You are not alone. You have never been alone. I know this, but the instinct to shut down is a deeply embedded one. Sometimes I can fight it; sometimes I can’t.
She pulls my hair back away from my face, one lock at a time. She caresses my head, neck, chest, shoulders, and kisses the bridge of my nose. I sigh and look up. The air has become warm and golden colored–not the metallic gold of coins, but the translucent gold of honey. The world has gained back some of the glow that it had lost when I shut down. I bask in Her warmth and radiance, and expand my consciousness outward.
I feel many presences surrounding me. First there is Thor, of all deities, giving me a rough, protective embrace and telling me to buck up (though not in a mean way). Njord is next–always a reliable, loving presence. Never demanding anything of me; just offering support. Calm, yet strong and masculine all the same. Odin stands back impassively and nods hello. Skadi shoulder bumps me and smirks. I feel more connected to Her during this phase than to my Lady; maybe it’s because She can freeze out emotions as well, or at least has more experience dealing with this mode. (She and I have more in common that I’d like to admit.) Freyr sits back in a corner and leers. I get some version of this response from Him most of the times I interact with Him. (It sounds bad, but it’s true.) The others–those who are interested in my welfare–are around somewhere, I gather. My fylgia unwinds from me and stretches and breathes a sigh of relief as he wanders around, taking stock of the situation and continuing to spread my consciousness outward. (I’m still figuring out the extent of his consciousness, usual modus operandi, and powers; apparently, unlike the others, when I freeze up and shut down, he is stuck in here with me; which is as uncomfortable for him as it is for me. But, he’s my follower, so that’s how it goes.)
In short, I get my posse back.
Wow. This is what I’ve been shutting myself off from. Love and warmth and agency; insights, guidance, and marching orders. Kind of like hearing a tune from long ago, I remember it all at once, and my heart both is both saturated with love, and shrinks from the intensity of it.
She laughs at my metaphor. Don’t take yourself so seriously, She says (or at least strongly implies).
It’s great, this feeling. Maybe in a few days I will even be able to access my Love Notes channel again. The journey is not yet over, though, so it’s okay if I can’t. I just need to learn to keep the channels open while I wander. I never thought it would be a problem, but apparently it’s a skill I need to learn. For now, though, I can be relieved that, though I shut down, when I reach back out again, everyone is still there. I am not alone.