In sitting down with myself the past few days, I find myself filled with fear. Now that I’m settled physically, and am no longer leading a nomadic life, I can allow myself to feel that fear. Hopefully in feeling it I will also be able to release it, and move on to a happier life that my Lady has promised me. “So, this change is a good thing, then?” I had asked her before I left. “That depends entirely on you,” She had replied. That’s a very scary answer to hear, when I’ve spent so much of my time relying on her–first in my program, and then as I worked my way back into the Heathen community from which I had temporarily withdrawn.
Still, my experience in recovery points to two solutions: Do the footwork, and rely on Her. Do the footwork, and rely on Her. And do the footwork. And rely on Her. So I fall back on a program prayer to help see me through, when I am feeling too full of fear to reach out to Her the way I know I should. Trust in the process, says my program. And here’s hoping that, like every time in the past, it helps pull me through. Paradoxically, I have often found that my greatest strength and peace of mind comes when I gracefully and willingly surrender myself to Her.
A Prayer to Freya
Freya, I offer myself to you,
to build with me
and to do with me as you will.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do your work.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of you power,
love, and benefaction.
Help me do your work always.
(11/30/14–edited to remove unnecessary biblical language)
Heilsa, my lovely Lady.
One of my favorite poems about life, the journey, and coming home. By modern Greek author Constantine Cavafy. Based on the travels of Odysseus.
When you set out for Ithaka
ask that your way be long,
full of adventure, full of instruction.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
angry Poseidon – do not fear them:
such as these you will never find
as long as your thought is lofty, as long as a rare
emotion touch your spirit and your body.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
angry Poseidon – you will not meet them
unless you carry them in your soul,
unless your soul raise them up before you.
Ask that your way be long.
At many a Summer dawn to enter
with what gratitude, with what joy –
ports seen for the first time;
to stop at Phoenician trading centres,
and to buy good merchandise,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensuous perfumes of every kind,
sensuous perfumes as lavishly as you can;
to visit many Egyptian cities,
to gather stores of knowledge from the learned.
Have Ithaka always in your mind.
Your arrival there is what you are destined for.
But don’t hurry the journey in the slightest.
Better it last for years,
so that when you reach the island you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to give you wealth.
Ithaka gave you a splendid journey.
Without her you would not have set out.
She hasn’t anything left to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaka hasn’t deceived you.
So wise you have become, of such experience,
that already you’ll have understood what these Ithakas mean.
Freya is a gift-giver; it is always a good idea to remember the gifts that She has given me.
Gifts from my Lady:
1. My family, and the healing relationships therein. Support and love from them.
2. My recovery
3. My love for myself
4. My relationships with the many beautiful, interesting, spiritual, creative, and otherwise awesome people in my life
5. Seeing beauty in the world, when I choose to open my eyes and see it
6. Hope–that tomorrow will be even better than today
7. The ability to help others and do good in the world
8. The ability to connect with my Lady in a way that many others can’t
9. The opportunity to worship and honor those deities, spirits, and ancestors when and how I want
10. A loving, healthy cat with me, and a good fostering situation for my red-haired tomcat
11. A job. It was clearly a gift from her, and because of it I have money and flexibility.
12. Technology. I do love my gadgets.
13. My health.
14. Community, in every sense of the word.
All day today, and most of yesterday, when I checked in with Her, I got this image: her donning fancy clothes, getting ready to go out. Not “out” as in to a party, nor “out” as in to a battlefield, just–out. Fur, cloak, rings, necklace, headpiece; determined expression. Pure “game face”. Dressed to go outside and get started, on whatever it is that She is doing. She has places to go. Maybe diplomatic stuff? I dunno.
Sorry, ya’ll. That’s all I got.
Priestess processing: why Freya makes people cry, and how to handle it.
Attending the Pagan Activism Conference Online, today and tomorrow. It’s a great interactive online conference. The conference has been going since Friday night and they have several panels tomorrow as well. Check it out!