Chrysalizing

My cold is mostly over. I’d picked out and purchased some new furniture for my room. Tonight’s job was to integrate the new furniture and to unpack the last ten or so boxes. So I did.

As I did, I kept being reminded of old goals, and I had to struggle to let them go. Not in a bad way, mind you. I just had repeatedly stop myself from starting in on any of my projects, both in progress and planned. It kind of went like this:

“Ooh, there’s my ceramics tools! Need to find a local pottery class. Should I sign up for studio hours or just a class…?”

“Dangit! I really need to make a necklace for that pendant already. Seriously. I’ve had it for years.”

“Gah, my filing system is so outdated. Need to create a new one and then sort all of my papers. That will be fun.”

“Wow, I remember this Friggasbok. I was so impressed with that when it came out.. I wonder what those authors are doing now? I should check.”

“Man, the runes. I need to start [doing fifteen different things] with the runes right now. Sigh.”

“I should really start working on that new recovery book that everyone’s talking about. Plus, I need to find a friendly group out here to attend. Gods, I hate being the newcomer.”

“Which reminds me, I should start digging up the pagans and Heathens in my area.”

“Oh yeah, and I need to get a library card for my old library. (eyes glaze over ) Those were the days…”

And so on. I give myself huge props for thinking these things and then letting them go. (I think projects are like pretty, charismatic guys: I can see them and admire them quite a bit, but I don’t need to take them home.)

Perhaps the hardest part is explaining why this is a good reaction to have. I mean, I may end up doing some of these things. In fact, it’s pretty likely that I will. The key point here is not to do it compulsively. I’ve been given a chance at a hard reset; if I automatically jump back into what I had been doing, that opportunity–hard won as it has been–is gone. So the questions now are, what of my past do I want to keep? What is no longer serving me and needs to be left behind?

That takes time. And the willingness to sit in the uncomfortableness of not knowing exactly what those things are yet. (Yeah, you sit with that and not get grouchy. It’s like having PMS that never goes away.) But I have faith it will pay off in the long run. Generally when I let myself sit with this, I avoid bigger, dramatic, time-consuming issues later on.

So sit I do, in my chrysalis, and deal with old family patterns and new boundaries and healthier life choices. It’s not like I have nothing to do at the moment. Living with the parents again is a crash course all on its own.

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