The Cat Story; or, Why you should be very specific when asking your goddess for a favor

In 1998, I was in grad school. One of the many reasons that I decided to go to grad school was to find, not to put too fine a point on it, a husband. Once I got there, I realized my field was full of women and gay men, and those straight men who were there were taken. So there were just not that many eligible guys around. Having never been one to pick up guys at bars, and internet dating having not really taken off yet, I was kind of stuck as to what to do about it.

Enter my first kindred. The gay Freyrsman who was to become my first gothi learned of my plight and offered me a spell that he had created which would ask Freya to help bring love into my life. Having done my own research on Freya back when I first became Wiccan, his suggestion made a lot of sense to me, and I followed his instructions.

It went something like this:

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Holidaze, 2014

It’s been a good holiday season and a bad one. Good, in that I got to see family–I think I’ve seen all my relations on both sides of the family since I moved in November, which is no small feat. (And there were no drama or fights or even many awkward situations, which is pretty impressive, imho.) Freya said that when I moved out here, I should look to them for guidance and advice. I’m still not sure how that will all play out, but I’m in Jera; everything will come to fruition in its own time. Sit and wait; sit and wait.

The bad side of the season has come in two forms, emotional and physical. Physical was (and still is)  that I’ve been dealing with enormous tooth pain (I hate dental work.) Good news is that my dental insurance starts in January, so the goal is to hold on until then if possible. Yay for pain meds! The emotional side kicked in in comparing this Christmas with last year’s, and the various ghosts of Christmases past–ex-husbands, ex-jobs, ex-houses and living situations, ex-cats; and the ghosts of Christmas what-might-have-beens–kids, a house, a lasting marriage with a stable, reliable partner who is  supportive and kind (add in some charisma and open-mindedness, and I’d be a happy camper). A good friend of mine ends her emails with this quote:

Gracious future: won’t you lend a hand to pull me through? Cause me and you got some things we need to see to. Let’s get to work. Lifeline ~ Imogen Heap

If I could go back and talk to my 20-year old self, or even my 35-year-old self, I’d tell her to hang on; things will get better. In other words, I know the future will be better than it is today–and, all things considered, ‘today’ is not that bad at all. But I hate the not knowing.

Sit and wait; sit and wait.

Tis the season for analyzing the past year and coming up with a plan for the new. Whatever this next year brings, I know it will be something I won’t expect and can’t even imagine right now.

All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

Devotional Poem for Freya, by Sarenth Odinsson

Devotional Poem for Freya

I hear Your Whisper
In the moments between time
Where my heart has beaten and presses
The blood running hot
I hear You in the darkness
In my thoughts
Your words caress my mind
When I put my fingers to keys
I feel your hand
Your whisper in my heart
“Write without shame”
So I will write
Of your glory
Your luscious curves
Your eyes that stab the heart
Your iron will set in soft flesh
Your firm hands that hold lover or spear with grace
Your heart that gives solace and joy
Your soul that enflames the tinder of so many dried hearts
How could I praise you higher
Than by saying I have come to love myself
Through Your hands, Your fire, Your love?
That by your patience and demands
I have seen the face of love? Looked upon its glorious face?
That I know the difference between love and lust
That both have their holy place in my life
That I have discernment to tell one from other?
That you have kindled true love in my Being
That I might give it to another
That I may give it wholly
Expecting nothing, but truly open
To its warm return?

–Sarenth Odinsson

Letter to a New Spirit Worker

Tough love for a tough path, and becoming more true for me the further along this road I get.

The Road, the Walker, and What Comes Next

Dear you,

I can’t imagine what you are experiencing right now because your growth process is unlike any others. This is the first and greatest and perhaps most difficult lesson of all: You walk this path alone. You will have allies and companions and perhaps even friends along the way who will offer support and care but you will always ultimately be alone. This truth is difficult to manage but becoming comfortable with solitude will give you the mental space required to puzzle out the challenges that come ahead. Your longing for teachers and mentors is not just a desire for guidance or meaning or even instruction; it is a desire for validation and empirical support as well as the comfort of someone pointing out what you have done well and what you need to improve on. This will not happen. Whatever teachers and mentors this path makes available to…

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Deep thoughts–Norse, vol. 1

Thor got his hammer Mjölnir (and the matching glove), Odin got his arm-ring Draupnir (which drops nice new gold armbands every nine days), and Freyr got his golden boar Gullinbursti–all for free–because Loki played two groups of dwarves off of each other. (He was making up for having cut off all of Sif’s hair, true; but dude–totally double dealing.) Likewise, in that same deal, Odin received his spear Gungnir and Freyr receives his ship Skíðblaðnir (which is the fastest of ships and can be folded up very small, like a piece of cloth), and Sif received actual gold hair.

These symbols, particularly Thor’s hammer and Odin’s spear, are key signifiers for these gods. What did they do to earn them? In classic Norse deity fashion, they did nada. Nothing. Loki pulled the prank and Loki did the work to fix it, and as a side effect the Gods received some pretty cool shit. On the other hand, Freya has Brisignamen as her key symbol, but She was not given the Brising necklace for free. She made the deal, she paid the price. She earned it.

Kinda makes you think. Who’s more badass here–the male deities, or Freya?

Holiday stress.

I’ve been busy, busy busy this week. Work has been stressful (end of quarter shenanigans), plus the holidays, which are not any less busy than they would have been back in CA. The only difference is that here the events are celebrations with blood relatives whom I haven’t seen in five years or more. Generally this hasn’t stressed me out, but today’s gathering will include the successful Chicago-based relatives. Oh, joy. At least the weather isn’t bad.

Tonight is a Yule with a Wiccan coven I haven’t met yet, so that’s also a bit stressful as well. I want to make a good impression, and I wonder who I’ll meet. Hopefully they aren’t crazy or drama-ridden, but it’s not like I can control that, unfortunately. Tomorrow is a Yule Feast put on by the Druid group I met the other day, so at least I will know most of the people there. But still, stress is stress. Yay, being an introvert.

So, the upside. What is the upside? A) I have family, who aren’t crazy alcoholics or drama queens, who do want to hang out with my family, and whom, for the most part, are friendly. B) As far as I know, we’re all in good health. C) The event should wrap up in time for me to go to the Yule gathering. D) Maybe I’ll meet some interesting, friendly people at the Yule gatherings. 🙂

I read a quote from one of my program books the other day. It said, “When one door closes, another one opens wide. But being in the hallway is hell.” Also, “This too shall pass.”

Heilsa to that.

Love notes from Freya, 12/17/14

No words from Freya today, just an image.

Freya kneels on the ground, gathering glowing orange-gold pieces in front of her. She is protecting them and helping them grow. She waits patiently, like a mother, tending them. Her entire focus is concentrated on them.

Something is growing, apparently. It’ll be interesting to see what it (they?) turns out to be.