Freyr processing: The ex

And now for something more serious then my usual posts. If you read the blog at all, you’ll know that my currently developing relationship with Freyr is not one that’s gone smoothly. Despite working with Freya, his sister, for a very long time, and despite the fact that Freyr energy still makes me very comfortable and happy, and even despite the fact that if you were to put together all of the male deity characteristics that I have ever liked and admired, it would look an awful lot like Freyr, I’ve still been fighting it tooth and nail. Ever wonder why?

It doesn’t make a lot of sense, I know.  Trust me, I’ve been getting flack about it from my Heathen friends and colleagues for years. “But he’s Freya’s twin brother!” they argue. “What, you thought you would get the one and not the other?” Or,”‘But he’s sexy! And has that antler thing! And is easy-going and not all battle-grr-argh like most Viking male deities, and did I mention sexy? Where is the problem?”

Yeah. So. The problem, it turns out, is my ex; or, rather, our history together. I had forgotten exactly how much the blockage was about him until I finally sat down and accepted that it was going to happen, and decided that I might as well take it like the strong Freyaswoman I know myself to be. And I ended up running head-first into unresolved issues with my gods due to my ex.

So, now you get the story of my ex. A shortened, names-removed, bare-details version of it, anyway.

The ex I’m talking about is my second husband, and my most recent major relationship. (I’ve had several relationships since him, but no primary or long-term ones.) He, like my first husband, was a Heathen; and, like my first husband, was relatively new to the Heathen scene when we met. (And they both have a version of ADD.) But that’s about where the similarities end.

We were both married when we met, so our romantic relationship as such did not really start until after I separated from my first husband. I found out at that point that he and his wife were open to other relationships, and once he found out that I was at all interested in him, he happily snapped me up. Once we started dating, it was all pretty much over. Flames, fireworks, eruptions, the world standing still–you name it, we experienced it. I pity the poor people who were anywhere within ten foot radius of us that first year; it was really pretty disgusting. And as we were both very heavily involved in various Heathen groups and events at the time, the entire local Heathen community got a front-seat ticket to it all. An old friend of mine used to say that we were so bright and overwhelmingly there at the time that it blinded her and grossed her out in equal measures. There’s a saying we use in my 12-step program now that I think reflects what actually happened: “The horns on his head fit the holes in mine.” And boy, did they ever. I remember thinking at one point, completely seriously, that no one aside from Juliet and Romeo had ever felt this way, and that I was sorry that the entire world know did not know what it was missing. (Though in my defense, even then part of me was thinking, Well, that’s probably not actually realistic, but hormones will have their way.)

So, while I’m not proud of it, trust me when I say that I understand the kind of fire and longing for which you will gladly burn down everything sane and stable thing in your life. I understand the highs and the lows, the obsession and the despair. I get it. I think the closest I can get to describing our first year together was that it felt like we each had a oxycodone IV permanently installed, releasing a near-overdose level of that drug into our systems. For a year, straight. Until I decided it was time to come down from the high, though he, being a former addict (more on that later), let it go much more reluctantly. And while I’m glad I experienced it–and I think it was specifically part of Freya’s plan that I do so–I can’t really say that I recommend it.

One the biggest influences on our relationship–one that was obvious to us and everyone around us–was that this was all Freya and Freyr’s doing. We experienced a veritable motherlode of events and coincidences and impulses and planets which aligned and made it clear that we had been paired up by the Vanic Twins, and, as such, our relationship had been blessed by the Gods. He left his wife, and we moved in together. We did rituals together. We learned to trance deities together (as we happened to be in the gamma round of the class which was the basis for Diana Paxson’s Transportation book when we first started dating). We talked about the Gods and Heathenry–the Vanir, and Freya and Freyr specifically–constantly. We spent every moment together. We felt blessed and thanked the Gods for it constantly.

The Gods are known to do this kind of matchmaking (in the Bay Area, at least. I’m assuming it has happened elsewhere as well.) Our area is rife with couples who are (or were for a time) clearly thrown together as the result of the Gods’ matchmaking. What I think many of us eventually learned, however, is that while the Gods may have matched us up, they did not do so so as to give us a long-term happily ever after. Some of us (myself included) were matched up for reasons very different from this “happily ever after” that I, at least, had assumed we had been given. Had I known the lessons that I would learn as a result of this particular relationship, I don’t know what I would have entered into it willingly. Even with the year-long high, I’m kinda wishing I had remained ignorant of this whole phenomenon. But I am a Freyaswoman, and I don’t think we get to avoid these kind of experiences whether we want to or not, else how can we understand and help others?

To summarize the rest of the relationship, let me first tell you that he was an addict. A sober one when we met and started dating, but that did not last. I quickly learned much more than I ever wanted to know about all the things involved in addiction–how it affects the addict and all those around him–and I joined my 12-step program as a result. I got to participate in, and eventually just become a witness to, all of the things that happens when a addiction takes over a person and their life spirals downward. I learned what it felt like to have my reality loudly and constantly denied and rewritten; what it felt like to be lied to and to feel that deep, pit-of-the stomach stomach, bone-deep disappointment and despair over and over again. And I learned how to set and defend my own reality, to set and maintain boundaries, and to defend and protect myself emotionally, verbally, and spiritually (but, thankfully, never physically) from someone I had once loved and trusted so deeply and implicitly that even when it got that bad, I still had hope that it would get better. So we got married, probably against most peoples’ wished and our better judgement, and I got kicked out six months later.

Bottom, reached. Marriage, ended. Recovery, still in progress. As per my 12-step program’s accepted wisdom, I now realize that recovery is always an “in progress” thing, whether or not I’m in an any kind of relationship with an addict (or with someone with any mental illness). I’ve found my program to be a very useful tool and support system for dealing with life in general, and pagandom in particular, which is why I stay, even though he and I split almost four years ago. And through it I have been able to understand his point of view and to forgive him, and to see how I participated in our relationship’s demise.

Needless to say, though, this experience left me with a distinct aversion to all things Freyr. If I had not reconnected with my Lady in a deeper level directly via my 12-step program, I would probably have cut Her out of my life during this time as well. But this experience, ironically, ended up deepening my trust in Her and my faith that She will lead me to a happier place than I could have gotten on my own…. so long as that path didn’t lead me back to Freyr. As far as I was concerned, Freyr Himself had come down, manifested, played me, and intentionally ripped out my heart. He put me through Hell, and I no longer trusted him or his intentions at all.

…….

But here I am, back with Freyr. Opening up and connecting with him has been painful, and will likely continue to be so, as healing almost always involves pain, in my experience. I still don’t trust him, but I’m relearning the reasons why I fell for Him to begin with. He is a God, after all. He’s not perfect, but he’s also quite a bit more advanced, knowledgeable, kind and compassionate than any human ever could be. I know He loves me deeply, and would show me so if I let Him. And I know that anything He did never meant to cause me this much suffering. Pain, as my program says, is unavoidable, but suffering is optional. My goal with all deity interaction now is to accept the pain of growth but avoid the unnecessary suffering.

Now I get to learn how to turn my will and my life over to Him just as I have done with Freya. I think in the long run healing this rift between us will make me a more happy, content, compassionate and loving person than I am today. And that’s the goal, right? My happiness and well-being? To be able to look in the face of pain and denial and own it so that it no longer has any sway over the enjoyment of my life. And it’s probably best to have a more balanced energy and outlook, now that I’m embraced both the male and the female, the Lord and the Lady. The Vanic Twins, who together form a complete unit. Why hobble myself and cut out half of life’s experiences just because I’ve been hurt in the past?

“I have passed the test,” she said. “I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel.”

Except that, instead of diminishing, I will grow. Heilsa!

4 thoughts on “Freyr processing: The ex

  1. “And I learned how to set and defend my own reality, to set and maintain boundaries, and to defend and protect myself emotionally, verbally, and spiritually (but, thankfully, never physically) from someone I had once loved and trusted so deeply and implicitly that even when it got that bad, I still had hope that it would get better.”

    Gods this is a hard lesson to learn, one I’m still working on myself. It really helped to read this. Thank you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.