The amber-colored cloud has fallen.

So, it appears that I have been in a bit of an amber-colored cloud. A two-year-long amber-colored cloud. It began right before I started my initiation work with Freya, and lasted until….well, this evening, when she decided that my boyfriend was “not good enough for me,” and proceeded to tell him all of the reasons why. *headdesk*

Now, I have  loved Freya pretty much since I found out She existed, yes, but the really heavy NRE did not hit in until my initiation. I have been happily riding high on it for a while now. I didn’t notice it so much earlier because how could anyone not love Freya? Everyone loves Freya! She is wonderful! And for the most part, everyone does love Freya–Gods and humans and jotuns alike. She’s just so lovable–goddess of beauty, love, sex, gold, etc., and all. I’ve come across a very few people who were scared (or at least, very wary) of Her, but never anyone that didn’t actually like Her. And I’ve also rarely gotten an ill response from her towards most people. But my boyfriend? She is not a fan. Ironic, because everyone else seems to like him, and She’s the one who threw us together and has been cheerleading at us from the sidelines.

Perhaps this often happens when two devotional polytheists get together; I wouldn’t know. The is the first time I’ve been dedicated to a deity (and in various relationships with others) and also dated someone who has the same kind of deity relationships. To any relationship now, I bring Freya, Freyr, Njord, Odin, and various ancestors and landspirits, and he brings Hel and Loki and what seems to be half of Jotunheim. I had expected there to be some negotiations, and everything was going along pretty well on all fronts until Freya finally came down and met my guy the first time. A visit which made me edit my Dedication Contract to include “I will not slap my daughter’s boyfriend” into next year’s version. Not an amendment I thought I would ever need, because oddly enough, Freya has never shown any desire to slap anyone I’ve ever come in contact with. (Apparently there was some contract he made a while ago that he had not honored, or had taken too long to fulfill, or some such… in any event, not my issue.)

This was bad enough, and caused us to have a conversation about what She could and couldn’t do to my boyfriend. Then, today She came down, after we gone around to all of my altars and honored the various deities and all of the Vanir, and she lit into him about how he had not wooed me properly and she expected him to get it right or she would not even give him the time of day. At which point, a huge chorus of jotnar, including Hel (his godly wife) and Loki, jumped to his defense and promptly demanded retribution. So we were both put in the unenviable spot of mediating between my Lady, each other, and a squad of pissed-off jotnar. (Which, given that we are two adults generally doing our best to be respectful to each other, looked a lot more calm and reserved than it sounds (or felt).)

(I feel sometimes like I’m in the movie Ant-Man. Massive deity shenanigans and emotional drama, which, when viewed by anyone from the outside, just looks like a small Lego train getting kicked off of its tracks.)

What followed was an evening of High Deity Shenanigans, during which we caught up on a bunch of deity negotiations that we had probably been slacking on, to be honest. My guy got a chance to talk one-to-one with Freyr, which is the deity we had assumed would be the issue (because reasons), but Freyr was actually very helpful and supportive. Then I got a chance to talk one-to-one with a coldly annoyed Hela, and a pissed-off Loki. And I got to experience the downside to the fact that my boyfriend is a very experienced medium, because both of Them came through extremely loud and clear and had a LOT to say. Hela likes me, luckily, and did not have much to say about Freya other than that I needed to talk with my Lady and get this issue figured out. Loki, on the other hand, had a LOT to say about Freya and my relationship with Her. (Is that his usual m.o.?!)

Essentially, he made it very clear that not everybody liked Freya and not everyone was won over by Her charm and beauty, and why was I letting Her run my life, etc. (Truth is, I let Her run my life because I’ve never really seen a good reason not to, and many good reasons why I should. Following Her has brought me many better things than I could have dreamed were possible.) I told Him as much. He was not impressed, and thoroughly defended his boy. Loki as defender of his children–a side I had heard about but had never seen in person. I imagine he’s a sight to behold when tearing into teachers, principals, or anyone else who messes with his people.

Afterwards, when all the big scary angry jotnar had gone away, I reflected more on this. Loki’s really the first one to get through to me that not everyone likes Freya, and not everything She does is beautiful and perfect and loving and well-intentioned. I had heard this in bits and pieces elsewhere, but never this blunt or starkly put.

The boyfriend himself is doing his best to not get a bad opinion of Freya from this godly disagreement, but doing so has tapped him out pretty hard. He’s a good guy, and, all in all, he’s been really supportive through this whole thing. I don’t know that I would have done as well had the tables been turned. However, now I now myself in the unenviable position of have to go back to my Goddess, to whom I’d pretty much given a blank check, and to defend my relationship with my guy and lay down some tough boundaries. A discussion I am NOT looking forward to, at all.

But really, this makes more sense. No one is perfect, not even my Lady. But I guess I hadn’t had a good enough reason to have the discussion with Her to renegotiate my boundaries. Now I do, and ironically, She’s the one who threw us together to begin with and has been cheering us on! Goddesses.

And maybe this is the real reason why I couldn’t go to Many Gods West. With all of the deity shenanigans I experienced the week before the Conference, and all of the intense deity shenanigans this week, if I had had to add in three days of dealing with everyone else’s drama and deity shenanigans, I probably would have been broken.

23 thoughts on “The amber-colored cloud has fallen.

  1. I loved your text… I’m glad my lover is not in the same pantheon, ha ha. I guess you could call me a devotee to Loki. His teachings are priceless though sometimes a bit confusing or random, but there’s always something here. Your story gives me a confirmation of my own experience between Loki and Freja.

    Some months ago, I’ve been approached by Freja, in a very crude manner. I felt a heaviness on my shoulder and she basically said: “You can do whatever you want with you little buddy (Loki) but never forget I’m your Patron”. She demanded that I worship her to her rightful value. She felt like a warrior, heavy, breathing down my neck. I was terrorized. I drew her but it was never good enough for her, I scrapped so much drawings that week LOL. The end result is not half bad imo.

    Loki was Furious (capital F) after this. She said she had no right over me, that he would fix this, that he would protect me and that he wanted me to get a tattoo with his name on my ribs *unrelated*

    I didn’t hear back from her until I attended an evening where the forces of Venus were invoked. And since Venus is Freja… I kinda asked for it. The day after was a nightmare (I spilled gasoline all over me, my boots got stolen on my balcony, my boyfriend kept spilling his drink on me). Ugh. It’s not that I don’t like her, is that she comes on a little strong… and I think I’m definitively not ready for her teachings. I often think back on her words “I’m your Patron” and I truly wonder if it’s true…

    Having said this, Loki constantly complains about my boyfriend, saying that I do not take him seriously anymore. “I shouldn’t have to ask myself if you still love me” he said to me last week. I believe deities are very dramatic, as if for some reason they were still kids without emotional control. A lot of wisdom, but weirdly short fuse when it comes to the matter of the heart, honour and ego!! Sometimes I wonder if they are just mirroring our own reactions!

  2. This year, when she claimed me, it became clear that she surely isn’t all bright sunshine and indeed is occasionally the source of some amber waves of pain. She did wrong to myself and my long-term partner (though She had brought us together many years ago) and She knew it. It turned out for the best in the end, but there were times when it felt like our tears were nonconsensual offerings. Still, I let her into my life in a big way and took my oath to Her.

    Gods aren’t infallible, perfect, and don’t always have what we think are our best interests in mind. Speaking to another Freyjaswoman this summer she put a lot of it into perspective for me, and the thing that we both walked away from that encounter with was a reminder that despite the pain and conflict that She will bring, it always turns out to be worth it.

    I’ve wondered about Her and Loki in the past. I try to give him his due when I need to, but being that I love Freyja and have a deep reverence for Heimdall I’m nervous to do anything more than the basics (and even those make me nervous). Their history in the Lore isn’t promising, and the gut reaction that I’ve seen from at least a couple of his people has lead to me being cautious about that.

    I’m sorry the Gods have been making your relationship difficult. It’s always extra-painful when that happens.

  3. And mileages can vary – I do feel the need to state for the record that I have very active relationships with both Loki and Freyja and it’s mostly peaceful and frithful, most of the time.

    IT CAN BE DONE. Hang in there.

  4. Despite an initial attraction to Her when I was a baby pagan, I’ve never been close to Freyja–largely because She and (my) Odin have the somewhat strained and uncomfortable relationship that can result when two people are just TOO much alike, and Loki is not overly thrilled or impressed with Her. (In my own experience, anyway; I realize They can present differently to different people).

  5. I don’t have a whole lot to do with Freya, though we’ve always been on good terms. She was my first ally among the Norse Powers and I’ll always be grateful for Her support. In my experience, Loki and Freya seem to have a very strong working relationship – they can get along, work together, and support one another in all kinds of ways when there’s a job to be done. Their personal relationship seems more strained, even combative, at the same time that there’s a surprising measure of support for one another. It’s very complicated and probably one of those things that we humans aren’t going to ever know about completely.

    I’m sorry this tension has arisen. I don’t have any helpful advice. I do feel confident that something can be worked out for the time being. Whatever trajectory your relationship with your partner takes, you deserve the opportunity to decide that for yourself – or at the very least, to experience the relationship on your own terms. The Powers move us together and apart and it can hurt and really suck. My best wishes are with you.

    • Yep. I’m been a pawn in Gods-directed relationships before (still am); not always fun.

      I think complicated may be the best description of the Loki/Freya relationship. I think when their interests and goals *do* align, it’s a scary thing to behold. Everyone else involved should just run.

      I guess that’s one of the many things I get to learn, being paired up with a Hela/Loki person.

      • My experience is that Freyja and Loki get along just fine when it’s not about a third party, or when the third party in question is Odin.

        But if They disagree, especially about one of Their kids? Neither is much for compromise on those topics.

        -E-

      • Yeahhhhh. It kinda went like this:

        “Freya: Your son is not good enough for my daughter and his wooing is not up to my standards!
        Loki: Fuck that! My son is *more* than good enough for your daughter. She’s lucky to have him.”

  6. i’m still in the midst of figuring out what exactly is how things stand between Freya and i. i have noticed, however, that Loki alternates between extremely encouraging of my being more involved with her and turning super serious and advising caution. Freyr has been … well, he wants me to get to know his sister and he thinks it would do me a lot of good to have her more active in my life, but he keeps reminding me that i need to be firm on my boundaries.

    in all honesty, of all the deities i’ve been involved with thus far, it is Freya and Freyr who scare me. Loki’s regularly argued that my fear is because i have issues with being happy but it is a standing argument between him and i. Freyr and Freya shine and are heartbreakingly beautiful. i’m beginning to get over the panic that comes when Freyr decides to smile at me. (does it make sense that someone who is romantically involved with a deity also has times where they’re filled with terror of said deity?) Freya, however, still scares the living daylights out of me.

  7. So sorry that this is going on, hopefully it will resolve soon. A genuine example of the dynamics a Polytheist may encounter. I wonder what, if anything, other Polytheistic traditions say on this? While the Blood Brothers had been busy for over a decade anonymously dancing all over my life, it was Freyja who was the first to reveal Her identity to me (through Wicca gatherings & when someone would do the whole “many from the 1” thing i would shake my head “nope” cause theres a Goddess here whispering in my ear & Her name is Freyja. She is strong, mighty & holy all unto Herself, not an aspect/archetype. So began my journey as a Hard Polytheist). As my devotional life expands & includes other Deity’s, Nordic as well as other Pantheons, my rule is all things must be approved, or at least a “shrugging/head-nod” from Loki. Earlier this year, He encouraged me to renew my devotional practice with Freyja. They indeed have almost a love/hate thing goin on at times to me. This absolutely gives me food for thought in going forward & curiously, lately i have begun relationships with other Deitys with an utterance of ” Lokis in charge of me, ok folks”. Maybe i need to make this more of a simple utterance. Thank you so much for sharing this & my heart goes out to you. 🙂

  8. > My guy got a chance to talk one-to-one with Freyr, which is the deity we had assumed would be the issue (because reasons), but Freyr was actually very helpful and supportive.

    Sure. Unlike Freyja, Freyr is married to a Jotun.

    Actually that’s exactly why I would have said “Oh, get Freyr in on it. He’ll explain it to Her.” but it sounds like you already have that.

    -E-

    • Yep, Freyr and the guy have already talked. Of course, a lot fo the talk was “She’s mine, but we can share” (on both sides) but that’s been worked out. Apparently the problem was actually Freya, not Freyr.

      • “She’s mine, but we can share.” Uh huh.

        What I was suggesting is that Freyr be asked to talk to *Freyja* about how to handle Jotnar better in this context (He’s had to learn it the hard way, eh?). If it comes up again, anyway.

        -E-

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