Who is Queen here, anyway?

Also known as, everything looks better the day after.

Ever have that experience where the Gods put you in situations just to get a reaction out of you? (Granted, the reaction they are going for may be “growth”, but still. Poke the bear until they finally do what you want them to.)

Since posting about the “irreconcilable differences” between Freya, Loki, myself, and my guy, I’ve gotten a lot of feedback. It’s been great to hear other peoples’ stories of having gone through something similar with their gods, or who have seen similar issues between Freya and Loki in the past. It was kind of unusual, actually, that I posted about the drama on the blog. Normally I would have bitched about it to a few close friends and left it at that. But I gut checked before I posted, and got a green light, so… I posted. And like I said, I got quite a bit out of support and knowledge in doing so. (The Gods work in a multiplicity of ways; I can’t say for certain, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this reaction was one of their side goals from this incident.)

In any event, I can now say with some certainly that I know what Freya’s goal was for me out of all of this. I had to accept my role as Queen.

One of the things my guy and I have been discussing a lot is that he is my tank, and I am his Queen. Sounds kinda cheesy when I put it out like that, but in our opinion, it’s true. He’s well-built and well-trained to be my tank, with tons of skills and experiences that I don’t have. I’m well-built and well-trained to be the community and spiritual leader who he protects and supports. It’s a well-tailored partnership, and I really hope it lasts.

One of the things that both Hela and Loki tried to drill into me when they visited the other day was that my guy is attempting to serve two Queens. I had assumed the “two queens” were me and Hela. He had never thought so, and Hela Herself, when She came down, made it quite clear that She was not his “queen” and that she was completely and totally not worried by my presence at all; there was no jealousy or power struggles to be had between me and Her. As a Freyaswoman, this is a hard concept for me to accept. No power struggles or hierarchy to be figured out? Between me and a powerful entity who loves and receives honor and respect from my guy? Do. Not. Grok.

I know not everybody gets this side of Freya, but to me, She is the Ultimate Queen. She alone among the Aesir/Vanir goddesses spends much of Her time unpartnered, going about doing what She wants, whenever She wants. She has Her magic, Her beauty, Her charisma, Her Hall, Her heroes, Her money, Her kin, Her chosen Slain, and Her people. She goes out and makes all of Her own contracts, and no one puts Her into contracts She does not desire. And thus She is considered to be equal to the other rulers in the Norse cosmos. Of course She is concerned with power, and the acquisition and uses thereof. She has it–magical, sexual, political–and to keep Her position in the hierarchy of the Gods, She knows how and when t o use it. And as one of Her people, and a bit of a control freak to begin with, I pay attention to power dynamics and the amount of power (or lack of power) that I have in any given situation. I end up taking on leadership roles (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly) and though I may balk at it a bit, it often suits me. It took me a bit to realize that not all Goddesses have this quality. Hela, despite being Queen of Helheim, does not seem to care much about power either way; and I get the benefit of sharing my guy with somebody with whom I don’t need to have any kind of competitive relationship. I’m his Queen, and we’re all good.

When I finally confronted Freya about the blow-up, and explained to Her that my guy was important and that I’m going to stick with him whether She agrees or no, and that She needed to respect that, She didn’t get mad. Instead, She beamed at me brightly in jubilation. (And possibly “Finally.”) And then She gifted me with–you guessed it–more gold. She gave me back me with some of the power I had originally given to Her, but gilded and strengthened–but the main point was that it was now my power, not Hers. And She told me to start using it already. (Aaand She reminded me of some of the duties I had been slacking on in regards to Her worship; it’s always a two-way street. But I digress.)

One of the ironic things about this whole situation was that not two days prior, I posted on Patheos about my journey to becoming dedicated her, and how happy I was and what strong faith I had in Her and in our relationship. And then the blow-up happened. The post brought in a ton of supportive, positive comments, and some request from newbies on how to get a devotional relationship going. Concurrently, out of the blue, not one but two friends requested my services as a Freya priestess. And then a few days later, my post got moved to the front page of Patheos, for all to see. All of which made me feel a tad hypocritical given my current situation. I don’t know about you, however, but when my gods want me to deal with an issue toot suite, they throw me into the deep end and Deal With It or Else. Because GODS ARE SUBTLE.

(A good friend says that those of us who are devotional polytheists don’t really have much choice; we start to doubt the Gods or our beliefs if we don’t get smacked upside the head with a No Really We’re Real on a regular basis.)

So, while I don’t know how the situation is going with Freya and Loki, I think Freya and I are cool again. And Hela and I are cool. (Perhaps Loki and I are cool as well, but I can’t read Him that well yet, so we’ll see how it goes.) And I have a Queenship, and things to do.

(And did I mention how good my guy is? I think I’ll keep him.)

7 thoughts on “Who is Queen here, anyway?

  1. I’m amazed at the pace you worked through it. A lot of time, people undergoing initiations tend to resist much longer, break much longer. Your story makes me understand Freja and their way she works a bit more. Surrendering to your own power, owning it… pretty awesome. Loki works in a more circular motion with his teachings, he makes you do mistakes, leave you in the worst situations when you are not clever enough to make things out. He works with humility, humiliation, with survival…

    When you think about it, their ways are really hard to reconcile. lol!

    • Heh, yeah I can see that. Very different m.o.’s.

      Thanks. My goal for couple of years now has been to try to get to a point where this kind of drama *doesn’t need* to happen for me to get the lesson and change. Also, I’ve had a lot of practice breaking and changing at this point. But the couple of days I had this time before I figured it out reaallly sucked, let me tell you.

      • Ive found “breaking/changing” has gotten easier to deal with over time, getting the lesson & rebounding a little faster but the intensity dosent seem to mellow much. Last Dec. i experienced Hela & Loki kicking a guy out of my life & it was as if a “hammering tornado” landed on top of him for days & i was stunned at the intensity! I could only stare at the process like a deer in the headlights, so indeed “Because GODS ARE SUBTLE”. Glad its better for you.:)

      • Wow. Yeah, I bet. NOT SUBTLE. Freya can be subtle, but as seen, She does get to the ass-kicking point sometimes. My stuff with Her is often about boundaries and loving/respecting myself. So, lots of pain, most of it internal.
        And thanks 🙂

  2. So I’m reading this, thinking about how it relates to a personal issue I’ve been working with for a while, one I’m trying to resolve once and for all, already. And it occurred to me that so much of it has to do with being more proactive and taking the reins with force on the issue. In short, being the goddamn queen for once. So as this is processing, what song should come up in my Zac Brown Spotify stream? “Heavy Is the Head.” GODS ARE SUBTLE indeed. 🙂

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