The only time She ever hurt me was when She left

Though it may not seem like it, I don’t like to complain much on the blog. I’ll whine, yes; and go “WTF have They done to me now??” for a bit, but I think for the most part I’m very supportive: “Yay Gods! They are great! Believe in Them! Trust Them!” Many times I feel like I’m a polytheist cheerleader.

But the truth is, there are a lot of negatives to being a tiny human working so closely with really big entities. And what my goddess gives, She can also take away.

My goddess is a big Goddesses. She can be overwhelming to most people, particularly if you’re not also a devotional polytheist and used to dealing with the energy gods bring. I’ve written about the reaction many people have to first encountering Her and Her energy here on the human plane. Very often, they cry. It’s such a common effect of Her influence that a friend has nicknamed Freya “Our Lady of the Runny Mascara”. I worked so closely with Her for so long–these past two years especially–that I’ve grown a bit immune to Her presence, or at least very used to it. In fact, I had started to take it for granted that She would always be here and that I could always carry Her energy and feel her presence.

I didn’t realize that this gift could also be taken away.

…….

Freya has gone away. She left me Thursday night. She was very sad, yet firm: She was leaving, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. It wasn’t anything I had done or not done; She just had to go. I cried; I raged; I shook my head in disbelief. I argued with Her, but got nowhere and also no answers or explanation. I couldn’t catch my breath; I kept feeling like I was getting sucker punched, over and over again.  Eventually, I turned out the lights, curled up on my bed in a ball, and cried my fricking eyes out.

……

I had gone to my Vanir altar just to check in. I had tried to log into work earlier to finish up a project, but couldn’t get on; with some extra time on my hands, I had decided to check in with my Gods. No big questions; just touching base. Freya had much to say about Freyr–that he’s passionate, tempestuous; generous; that He’s a gift and I should see Him as such. Njord chimed in a few times, too. I assumed they were just helping me adjust. The last few weeks have really showed me that Freyr was probably going to become a main god in my life–the main god, truth be told. It’s a realization I’ve been coming to slowly, and I’ve had a bunch of baggage around it. I’d finally gotten to the point where I accepted that this was even in the realm of possibility–that He would become more important to me than Freya, but I hadn’t quite accepted it yet. Baby steps, I thought.

Except, towards the end of Freya’s advice, I could feel Her start to pull away. Not “go away”, but “pull out”, as if She were an invading army that was beginning to go back home. Like She was a tidal wave, receding. Like blood, slowly being drained from my body. When  felt it start to happen, I freaked out and started to panic. Nonononononono, I kept thinking. This can’t be happening. We have a contract. We have a MFing contract!!

She cried, too, but She still left. I hadn’t realized how much space She had taken up until She started leaving. I had forgotten how big She was until She wasn’t there at all. How fiery and charismatic. How overwhelming and intense and necessary. And I thought, Wow–this must be what it is like to feel Her for the first time. How can people even handle it??

(Answer: They can’t.)

As She left, She took my hand, touched it to Her statue, and then touched it to my new Freyr plaque. I looked at Freyr. Freyr looked at me. WTF do you want? I asked Him, angrily. I WANT YOUR HEART, he said, winsomely. Me: Fuck that! That’s gotta be earned, buddy! And I curled up on the bed and cried.

Then, I got up and poured Him a beer, as Freya had suggested. I offered Him the foam. I tried to say some nice words, because I knew this wasn’t a punishment, and it wasn’t Freyr’s fault that She had to leave. (Though, in a way, it was.)

The next day, I called people, and I cried. I called my guy, and I cried. (Luckily, Hela and Loki had already told him the gist of what had happened. He was/is very supportive. Hela was compassionate but also full of tough love.) I talked to more people, and I cried. (I know Freya’s all about the crying, but I am not that much of a crier. Ever. Even in absolutely horrible circumstances, I don’t cry much. I’m amazed that I can type this at all and not start crying. I guess at this point I’m almost cried out.)

The current consensus between myself, my friends, and the Gods who are left is that Freya had to leave because She was standing so close to me, no one else could get in. She’s not gone forever. For now, though, I need to have the space to build my relationship with Freyr. There’s probably other reasons as well, but I either don’t need to know, or I will find out later. Emotionally, I feel like I’ve been dropped off at a new foster home with all my stuff in a backpack at my feet, with Mom driving away in the distance, not looking back. Spiritually, I feel like I’m house-sitting. It’s Freya’s house–Her stuff, Her energy, and I have the forwarding address–but Freya Herself is not here. I’m doing my best to keep a stiff upper lip and l do what I need to do and learn what I need to learn so She can come back as fast as possible. And. It. Sucks. Rocks.

…..

Why do I tell you guys any of this? For couple of reasons. 1) To let you know Love Notes from Freya are on hold, indefinitely. No idea when I’ll be able to do them again. (I might be able to do them while She is gone, but I don’t want to push Her hard enough right now to find out.) 2) Because this has fucking sucked, and I needed to vent about it. 3) Because others of you may have gone through something like this too, and I’d love any kind words of wisdom to help get me through, because IT. FUCKING. SUCKS. Also, 4) To let you know that being a devotional polytheist is not all happiness and rainbows and ecstatic godsex. Sometimes it’s having your heart ripped out, instead. Proceed with care.

28 thoughts on “The only time She ever hurt me was when She left

  1. I am so, so, so sorry Cara. I’ve been terrified of this happening, as she came to be more and more in my life, as I feel her stretching me and pushing me, I fear that one day she’ll go and I won’t know how to cope with it. She wanders, and she does what’s best even when it’s painful. *big hugs*

  2. I am very close to tears after reading this post, and I do not know why except to say that I am an empath and sometimes that just happens to me when I allow myself to feel.
    I am sorry. I don’t know how to express the depth of my feelings except to tell you: I am so sorry that you are hurting, that you are in pain.
    *hugs and strength and love to you*

  3. Having gone through this with Brigid a couple of times, especially the really rough one that happened last winter, it makes me want to cry when I read, hear, etc, other people going through this sort of thing. It hurts like hell when this sort of thing happens. Your entire world falls apart, implodes, your heart breaks, and you don’t know what exactly the hell happened, why it happened, or how to pick up the pieces and move on with it for a while.

    It felt like my heart was shattering into a billion tiny pieces and I couldn’t breathe for a while. It was such a joy and relief when Brigid came back into my life earlier this summer. Still working it out with her myself, especially the reasons why it had to happen and the lessons that I had to learn and the changes and transformations that came about from it – things I’m still sorting through and putting in their proper place.

    If I was there, I’d give you a hug (unless that’s something you aren’t cool with. I know plenty of folks who aren’t cool being hugged, especially with people they don’t know personally or aren’t close with). I hope that things get better for you, that you can heal, move forward, and become stronger from this sort of thing. I hope She returns to you, much like Mo Gradh did for me. But if not, I hope that what you seem to be building with Frey will turn out at least half a strong as the one you had with his sister. I’m starting to get to know Him, in a sort of friendly way, mostly because he wants to and my dad (Thor) thinks it’s a grand idea as he’s quite fond of him to begin with.

    I wish the best for you, especially in light of htis post.

    • Thanks, Robert. I always appreciate hearing that I’m not the only one who’s gone through this. It seem like no matter Who the deity is, we all pretty much have the same experience and pain.
      I’m definitely trying to see the positives–that this will help me in the long run, etc. It helps that Her family is still present if if She is not.

  4. My heart breaks for you. I have no experience that I can share with you that would compare or offer solutions. So I will send love and strength and keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ❤️

  5. *big hugs*

    I don’t have any suggestions for you that you don’t already have, but…

    There’s a reason I tend to cry when possession ends – because being filled with a god and then having that god step back, away, out – it *hurts*.

    You’ve been moving through the world as an Avatar of Freyja for a while now, in the flush to get where you are. That’s not something a human body can handle indefinitely. At some point She *had* to step back, whether Freyr was there to catch you or not, or risk starting to change you in ways that would not be healthy for you in the long run, and that might not be reversible.

    There is another member of our community – a Friggaswoman you know – who spent far too long carrying as an Avatar for her goddess, and when the time finally came for Frigga to step back, it almost broke her. Nobody wanted that for her.

    Freyja does not want that for you.

    You already know She’s not going away forever. She’s just *outside* you, watching, and giving you the space you need to connect with Freyr – and with yourself as your own, not just as Hers.

    And yes, She definitely *will* return. But it will never be quite the same. The periods of being so thoroughly together will be shorter, more distinct. You’ll know where you end and She begins, as well you should.

    You’ve always had green in you, more green than gold, really. Learning to be golden has been glorious, but it’s not enough if it’s *hiding* the rest of you, when the point is to illuminate you. This isn’t new, but it’s turning you back to look at parts of yourself you thought you’d left behind, parts you’re afraid to still have be yours.

    He knows why you’re afraid of Him.

    But you never were, and you aren’t now, and you never will be alone.

    Remember: YOU are the gift.

    Beloved.

    –Gythia–

    • Thanks. *hugs back* Though I’m heartbroken, in some ways it is a relief to finally be “just me” again. I can’t imagine exactly what our Friggaswoman must have went through, though now I have more idea of how it felt. 😛 And I know now that She’s not gone forever. I think that would hurt Her as much as it would me.

      On to Vanic Saga, Part 2: Freyr

  6. *hugs*

    So, so sorry.

    I like to think that when this happens, it’s not so much something that the gods do *to* us as something they do *for us*. In a lot of traditions, this sort of thing, where a deity is very close, then pulls back, is a part of becoming elevated clergy. My mother went through a similar thing during her ordination process, and called it “traveling through the desert.” It’s temporary.

    I agree with your assessment that she’s not gone forever. But it sucks. It sucks for her, too, I sense.

    As an aside: seriously? Freyr showed nothing in the way of compassion or sympathy? NO POINTS FOR HUFFLEPUFF.

    • Thanks. Yeah, I mean She did essentially push me out of the nest and told me to go ahead and be a queen already. I guess is this along the same lines.
      Freyr wasn’t that bad. While I cried, He took me in, made up a nice room for me, had servants of some kind get me food and drink, and generally made me feel welcome at His home. I just was not in a place to be able to accept any of it. But He did try.

      • Ah, I’m glad to hear that he tried, at least.

        It sounds like Freya made it clear what work you needed to do before she’d return, then. Personal sovereignty, or Self belonging to Self seems to be one of her main deals. Whereas Christians see the desert as a place to cultivate faith and submission to divine will in absence of personal evidence, I think a Freya person’s version might be about that self possession, which is really hard to develop when the deity’s energy is highly mingled with your own. Once you have it, though, you can mingle to your heart’s content, since you’ll always know, from that point forward, that you are yours, and what is you, of that tangle.

        I hope that you will continue to blog about that self exploration, and the path you take to Queenship.

  7. The lesson of separation hurts so, so much. It’s probably no great comfort to hear that it’s a necessary step. You’re going to grow so much that you won’t even recognize the stage you were in before. They like us too much to let us stay quiet and comfortable and small; there’s more that we can accomplish but first we have to learn to be alone. I am sorry and if there’s anything I can do, just let me know.

  8. It’s Nan. The night I accepted a cup of mead from Odin, the Fae left. It will take a while to tell it, so remind me to tell you about it.

  9. I’ve been through this many times with Hermes. At one point He stayed away for four years.

    The thing is, like Freya, He and I were in such a tight bubble that No One else was allowed around me and that’s not healthy. With His last absence I finally embraced the Heathen Gods, which is what I was supposed to do a long time ago, but didn’t, because He is all I wanted.

    Freya will come back, that I have no doubt. In the meantime get to know the rest of the Family and be open to new experiences. ❤

  10. This must have been exceedingly painful to write, and feeling extremely vulnerable to do so. It is a priceless testimony though, please know that. It is enlightening to read. Thank you so much for sharing. I hope you are getting better with time;

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