And then there’s that moment when She appears out of nowhere, as if She never left, and She blesses me with inspiration and compassion, opportunities and respect. And when I come back home, the house smells of fresh, fragrant roses (not dinner, or burnt popcorn).
Good to have you back, my Lady, if only for a moment. 😉
A note on this pic: The gold collar Freya is wearing here is an exact replica of the Färjestad collar I saw when I was in Stockholm at the Historiska Museet (Swedish History Museum).
One of the big changes that I haven’t really touched on much yet is how Freya’s absence has affected my 12-step program. She was my strong foundation in every aspect of my life. Literally. As the 12-step program is at its heart a spiritual program that relies so heavily on an individual’s strong connection with a Higher Power, losing Her feels like it has undercut all of the trust and intimacy work that I’ve done to regain sanity through my program. Ironically, due to my move, I have a new sponsor who has asked me to work the Steps again, and I find myself now on Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to care of God as we understood Him. The is the lynch pin of any 12-step program. The question is, which God is my Higher Power now?
Time for my weekly round-up, in which I get to play “But why am I so tired?” This is why I am so tired:
Saturday: Day-long commitment for my 12-step program.
Sunday & Monday: Prepped first “Intro to Heathenry” class; started several Patheos posts
Tuesday: Co-led “Intro to Heathenry” class, with my Rokkatru BF. (Missed my weekly program meeting to do so. Bah, scheduling.)
Wednesday: Rehearsal for my ADF grove’s Mabon ritual
Thursday: Wrote and submitted entirely new Patheos column (revise, edit, add pics, etc.) Also, libated every single one of the gods, ancestors, and landvaettir that I work with. (This includes three altars, 5 different kinds of booze, several trees, and 10 or so shot glasses)
Friday: Was swept off my feet and taken to a lovely sushi dinner by the BF
Saturday: Slept a lot. Also spent some more time with the BF watching the newest Doctor Who episode (BF, yay!; Dr. Who, eh.)
Sunday: ADF ritual: Rehearsal, set up, long ritual, tear down, and chatting afterwards. Came home and crashed. Finally caught up on this week’s Project Runway. (neat leather corset and jacket!)
And now for something more serious then my usual posts. If you read the blog at all, you’ll know that my currently developing relationship with Freyr is not one that’s gone smoothly. Despite working with Freya, his sister, for a very long time, and despite the fact that Freyr energy still makes me very comfortable and happy, and even despite the fact that if you were to put together all of the male deity characteristics that I have ever liked and admired, it would look an awful lot like Freyr, I’ve still been fighting it tooth and nail. Ever wonder why?
It doesn’t make a lot of sense, I know. Trust me, I’ve been getting flack about it from my Heathen friends and colleagues for years. “But he’s Freya’s twin brother!” they argue. “What, you thought you would get the one and not the other?” Or,”‘But he’s sexy! And has that antler thing! And is easy-going and not all battle-grr-argh like most Viking male deities, and did I mention sexy? Where is the problem?”
Yeah. So. The problem, it turns out, is my ex; or, rather, our history together. I had forgotten exactly how much the blockage was about him until I finally sat down and accepted that it was going to happen, and decided that I might as well take it like the strong Freyaswoman I know myself to be. And I ended up running head-first into unresolved issues with my gods due to my ex.
So, now you get the story of my ex. A shortened, names-removed, bare-details version of it, anyway.
In which I try to get Ratatosk’s kin (aka squirrels) out of my head, and remember to ask the Gods for help.
I’m in the process of creating a section on my blog about Dedication: ideas, opinions, and my own experiences with it. All I really have to share are my experiences; but it’s really cool to see what other people have gone through as well, and their thoughts on it. In doing so, I came across the controversy over Morpheus’s broken ankle.
Last October, a big thread went around the pagan blogosphere about how dedication and/or working with the Gods can change one’s life. The discussion was kicked off by Morpheus in her Shieldmaiden blog, here, and was added to by many others. (I’ll link or paraphrase as many as I can in the dedication section itself, once it’s completed.) Her post came down to this: She promised to write a book for her Goddess, and she had been given a deadline by which to complete it. Though she was actively working on it, she was also participating in other groups and duties. It came to pass that while she was in the middle of one of her other activities, she busted up her ankle pretty badly. This injury ended up keeping her off of her feet–at home, writing the book–until the deadline of her book had passed. (Literally. Her deadline was December 31, and I think she gets rid of her boot and off of one crutch this week.)
The response from members of her group, and many of us in the larger community, was pretty straightforward. You promised your Goddess a Thing, and She helped you get it done on schedule. Not, perhaps, in a friendly or easy way; but then again, perhaps, a nicer way wouldn’t have been as effective. To me, it was as clear-cut a case of deity intervention as I’ve seen, and I took it in stride. I thought most other people had, too. What caught me off guard was all of the hoopla in response to it.
Tonight, I went to my first meeting since moving, and damn if Freya did not talk to me through every woman there, and all but slam into my hands the exact opportunities and community I was wishing I had from back home. Wish = Granted. The group was small but on point, and I get the chance to do exactly what I know love to do. (Let’s hope that remains the case after the rosy glow has worn off!)
I always joke with my friends in recovery that my Higher Power is not subtle, because they are continually amazed by any of the (honestly, really pared down) stories I tell them. Subtle! If only they knew. Try working for a pagan goddess and see how “subtle” a Higher Power can really be.