The side I was missing

So last night, at the prodding of my Gods, and also because this is becoming a regular event, I did a Midsummer all-around check-in with my Gods. I talked with a number of them about a number of things, most of which I won’t be sharing here. (They are either too private or not yet manifested, or both.) My conversation with Freyr was enlightening, though, and unlike the rest, I think parts of it were aimed at a greater audience than just me:

“When I am crowned as king,” Freyr said, “as I have been in the past, I first take stock of that which I have been given. I check the stores. What needs to be filled, and what is already in great supply? I can bring great fertility, but there’s no point in giving more of what we already have enough of. Where do you need me in your life? What parts are empty, or have been left fallow or unused?

I am the guiding hand when decisions of stability, fertility, and abundance must be made. When others depend upon you to lead or provide, call on me, and I am there.

I am the growth spurt that helps you grow, and strengthens and reinforces your plans currently in motion. I am the potential of every seed, of every choice, of every plan; now, and in the future. Just because you do not call on me or acknowledge me does not mean that I have not always been there–watching, waiting, being. I am in potentia; I am that which waits.”

Other parts were clearly just for me. At one point I asked Him, Why me? He laughed. Why not you? He answered. Anyway, it was already chosen before you were born. Why did you ever think you had any choice? He said as He shook his head, smiling at my silliness. Clearly he did not see any downside to me being His. We have a lot of time to make up for. I tried to imagine my entire life–everything I do, every choice I make—coated with His energy, instead just mine and Freya’s, and when I looked up at Freya to get her reaction, She beamed at me so brightly with jubilation that was hard to bear.

Apparently, my sovereignty comes from acknowledging his effect in my life. It is only through accepting Him that I will ever full regain my own powers. (Which makes me think, which powers? And when did I lose them…? Questions for another journey on another day, apparently.)

Messages in dreams, the efficacy thereof

I had a dream last night, when I rolled back in my bed…. 

(*cough* sorry, wrong genre. I’m not actually a bluegrass singer.)

Okay, so I did have a dream last night. It was of my red cat, who has decided not to come in when I call him home the last few days. He is a talker and a gadabout and a charmer, and I’ve yet to meet anyone who doesn’t live with me or visit me often who didn’t adore him. (Living with him is a different matter entirely.) Anyway, my cat had somehow been let out with his harness and leash still attached to him, and he had gotten completely tangled up in the lilac bush out in front my parent’s house. I guess I had heard him yowling, or my mom had come to get me, so we went out to figure out what had happened and untangle him. In the dream, he had practically been strangled in his struggles to get loose, and was tired and limp. Him getting caught up someplace and strangling himself is one of my biggest fears for him now that he’s a semi-outdoor cat. (The other one being that someone might kidnap him, because he is an gorgeous, soft, beautiful, friendly orange cat who, though very intelligent, has very little fear reaction.)

Upon waking up, I find out that he had been busy annoying a neighbor’s indoor cat last night and that we had gotten a call at 3AM telling us all about it. Which we all ignored, because no one recognized the number. Then this morning we received another call from the same neighbor asking if he was okay and letting us know that he was a big, beautiful cat. He’s home now, exhausted and smelling vaguely of perfume. In some ways I’m lucky that he is a big, beautiful, friendly cat, because that means people often forgive him for a lot of things that an uglier or mangier cat would not be able to get away with. Unfortunately, though, in his four yeas of life he has figured out that he’s beautiful, and he flirts outrageously whenever he gets a chance–even if this means he has to hunt through the entire neighborhood until he finds someone to ooh and ahh over him. Sigh, cats.

Baut back to dreams. This is about as close to prophetic as my dreams get. Cat got himself caught, near home (the neighbor was literally right across the street) but was unharmed, and came back exhausted. And I don’t know if it was just a coincidence and the dream was motivated by my worry for him not coming in or the fact that I was semi-awake at 3AM or what. Just don’t generally get a lot of outside information streamed to me in my dreams. And I worry sometimes that I’m not a very good polytheist (or pagan or empath or psychic, for that matter) because of it, because isn’t that what priests are supposed to do? Get fancy info-laden dreams?

What I do get in my dreams, though, is a lot of processing. In addition to the cat dream, last night I was busy untangling a ritual that I was writing in my mind. I’m not actually working on one IRL, but I did go to bed with “So Freyr, what do you want with this dedication?” running through my head, so it was probably the Freyr ritual. Unfortunately, now I can’t remember a bit of it. I suppose it is just as well, because I had hit a wall in my ritual writing in my dream as well. But as often as not, I will process things in my dreams and have an “Aha!” moment upon waking and writing them down. And the imagery in those processing dreams is not at all different from my journeywork, actually–in both, I will feel like I spend a lot of time and effort working on something very meaningful only to come out of it, write it up, and go, “Seriously? It took that long just to convey the message that Person X is not going to change their behavior? You couldn’t have just started that up front and moved on?”

I know I had asked this a little while ago and had gotten a response for a few of you that getting messages and prophetic images in dreams was not all it was cracked up to be–didn’t make for restful sleep, and sometimes there was nothing you could do about a given prediction. But still, I kinda wish I got bigger dreams than, “The cat is stuck in a bush. Go free him.”

RaThe cat in question.

Back on track

…or getting there, at least.

I’m slowly picking back up the balls which I had been juggling before I left, both in routines and responsibilities of all kinds. I’m catching up with more of the blogs and my friends back in CA, and I somewhat getting back on track with the Love Notes. I’m picking up my meetings again and getting involved with recovery out here, and am recovering some of the more useful personal and health care practices. Go, me. My whole life would be much easier if I wasn’t such a perfectionist, though–no matter what I do or how fast I do it, some part of my brain always expects me to be up, running, and already at 100% of what I had been doing in CA. (Progress not perfection, brain! Chill out, already.) Though I have to say living with my mother again is not helping in the slightest. Apple, tree.

FWIW, I did attempt to download a Love Note yesterday, but got redirected into a journey instead, which is what happens when I’m not not journeying regularly enough. I used to wish I was one of those people who could just download messages from the Gods and whatnot in dreams–talk about efficient multitasking, and without putting forth much effort, apparently! Recently, though, I had a series of what a friend calls “working dreams”, in which apparently I was off doing things and learning things while sleeping, and I woke up with really odd memories and didn’t feel like I ever hit REM sleep or got any rest. So maybe Rick Riordan’s take on working with the Gods is spot-on once again; dreams from the Gods do not often equal restful, rejuvenating sleep. (Rick Riordan, single-handedly reviving Greek, Roman, and Egyptian mythology and training vast legions of young adults to be successful polytheists since 2005! Go, Rick.)  My Lady was happy and impressed with whatever work I was doing, so yay!, but eventually I had to tell Her that it was all a tad too much, too soon. I think She overestimates how much I can really take on at any given time. (Then again, so do I. It can be a bit of a vicious cycle sometimes.)

But in general things are coming along quite nicely.