So, I started out putting together my handout on the runes, and ended up listening to an hour-long recent interview with Freya Aswynn on a British talk radio podcast. (It turns out she is still really on the ball, though not as actively involved in Heathen things as she had been for, oh, the last 30 years. Also, Freya Aswynn = the first modern Heathen devotional polytheist, eh?) All of which I only did because I was waiting for the WoW client to install on my Windows laptop, but hey–Odin moves in mysterious ways. Such is life of a Heathen on teh Interwebs.
With Freya leaving me with Freyr, and all sorts of Gods are showing up, it seems bit misleading to keep the blog title. I need to do something to add Freyr in, at least. The question becomes, would it be better to create a whole new blog for all of the Gods and such, or do I revamp this one to include Freyr and the other gods? Either way, most of my blogging for the time being will focus on all of the other Gods, with some things for Freya thrown in every once in a while.
Inquiring minds want to know.
Though it may not seem like it, I don’t like to complain much on the blog. I’ll whine, yes; and go “WTF have They done to me now??” for a bit, but I think for the most part I’m very supportive: “Yay Gods! They are great! Believe in Them! Trust Them!” Many times I feel like I’m a polytheist cheerleader.
But the truth is, there are a lot of negatives to being a tiny human working so closely with really big entities. And what my goddess gives, She can also take away.
Also known as, everything looks better the day after.
Ever have that experience where the Gods put you in situations just to get a reaction out of you? (Granted, the reaction they are going for may be “growth”, but still. Poke the bear until they finally do what you want them to.)
Since posting about the “irreconcilable differences” between Freya, Loki, myself, and my guy, I’ve gotten a lot of feedback. It’s been great to hear other peoples’ stories of having gone through something similar with their gods, or who have seen similar issues between Freya and Loki in the past. It was kind of unusual, actually, that I posted about the drama on the blog. Normally I would have bitched about it to a few close friends and left it at that. But I gut checked before I posted, and got a green light, so… I posted. And like I said, I got quite a bit out of support and knowledge in doing so. (The Gods work in a multiplicity of ways; I can’t say for certain, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this reaction was one of their side goals from this incident.)
In any event, I can now say with some certainly that I know what Freya’s goal was for me out of all of this. I had to accept my role as Queen.
So, it appears that I have been in a bit of an amber-colored cloud. A two-year-long amber-colored cloud. It began right before I started my initiation work with Freya, and lasted until….well, this evening, when she decided that my boyfriend was “not good enough for me,” and proceeded to tell him all of the reasons why. *headdesk*
Now, I have loved Freya pretty much since I found out She existed, yes, but the really heavy NRE did not hit in until my initiation. I have been happily riding high on it for a while now. I didn’t notice it so much earlier because how could anyone not love Freya? Everyone loves Freya! She is wonderful! And for the most part, everyone does love Freya–Gods and humans and jotuns alike. She’s just so lovable–goddess of beauty, love, sex, gold, etc., and all. I’ve come across a very few people who were scared (or at least, very wary) of Her, but never anyone that didn’t actually like Her. And I’ve also rarely gotten an ill response from her towards most people. But my boyfriend? She is not a fan. Ironic, because everyone else seems to like him, and She’s the one who threw us together and has been cheerleading at us from the sidelines.
I know my posts have been kind of scarce the last month or two, so I thought I’d post a brief update:
“A single name have I never had since first among men I fared”. (Grimnismal)
Freya has many facets, to be sure, but Odin…. well, Odin has Facets. (I figure this will help me catch up with my #90DaysofOdin posts.) I actually named one of my cats “Harbarth” (Graybeard), because he was a wandering gray tabby tomcat. The day after I gave him this name, he got an infection in one eye which had him squinting at the world for about two weeks. You do the math.
Aldaföðr………”Father of Men”
Aldagautr………”Gautr of Men”
Aldingautr………”The Ancient Gautr”
Angan Friggjar………”Delight of Frigg”
Atriði, Atriðr………”Attacking Rider” or “Attacker by Horse”
Bági ulfs ………”Enemy of the Wolf ”
An open-ended question for polytheists, particularly those who ended up with different Gods than they had expected: At what point in your relationship with your deities did you stop flailing?
So today I was feeling what I considered to be unnecessarily exhausted. I finally sat down and made the time to figure out what was going on.
In the last week and a half, I have:
1. Officially canceled the “Facets of Freya” ritual at Many Gods West, and grieved the fact that I am not able to go
2. Got approval for Ember (EmberVoices: Listening to the Vanir) to run her Freya Intensive class instead
3. Slammed my right index finger in my car door (it’s not broken, but the tip of my finger is still numb)
4. Experienced a horrible 24-hour throw-up adventure
5. Gotten into a romantic relationship (with a powerful, energetically sensitive Hella boy, of all people)
6. Also picked up 5 members of his extended family, and met his mom
7. Accepted my bargain with Odin, and started on a 90 day project for Him
8. Experienced a journey which brought me to Freya in Her full-on ecstatic mode…
9. Celebrated the 4th with various picnics and social events
10. Helped said boyfriend navigate new levels of devotional relationship with his goddess
11. Negotiated various family issues, both his and mine
12. Kept up with various program responsibilities
13. Did this.
No wonder I’m so tired. I officially give myself permission to be a vegetative slug for the rest of the week.
So last night, at the prodding of my Gods, and also because this is becoming a regular event, I did a Midsummer all-around check-in with my Gods. I talked with a number of them about a number of things, most of which I won’t be sharing here. (They are either too private or not yet manifested, or both.) My conversation with Freyr was enlightening, though, and unlike the rest, I think parts of it were aimed at a greater audience than just me:
“When I am crowned as king,” Freyr said, “as I have been in the past, I first take stock of that which I have been given. I check the stores. What needs to be filled, and what is already in great supply? I can bring great fertility, but there’s no point in giving more of what we already have enough of. Where do you need me in your life? What parts are empty, or have been left fallow or unused?
I am the guiding hand when decisions of stability, fertility, and abundance must be made. When others depend upon you to lead or provide, call on me, and I am there.
I am the growth spurt that helps you grow, and strengthens and reinforces your plans currently in motion. I am the potential of every seed, of every choice, of every plan; now, and in the future. Just because you do not call on me or acknowledge me does not mean that I have not always been there–watching, waiting, being. I am in potentia; I am that which waits.”
Other parts were clearly just for me. At one point I asked Him, Why me? He laughed. Why not you? He answered. Anyway, it was already chosen before you were born. Why did you ever think you had any choice? He said as He shook his head, smiling at my silliness. Clearly he did not see any downside to me being His. We have a lot of time to make up for. I tried to imagine my entire life–everything I do, every choice I make—coated with His energy, instead just mine and Freya’s, and when I looked up at Freya to get her reaction, She beamed at me so brightly with jubilation that was hard to bear.
Apparently, my sovereignty comes from acknowledging his effect in my life. It is only through accepting Him that I will ever full regain my own powers. (Which makes me think, which powers? And when did I lose them…? Questions for another journey on another day, apparently.)