The only time She ever hurt me was when She left

Though it may not seem like it, I don’t like to complain much on the blog. I’ll whine, yes; and go “WTF have They done to me now??” for a bit, but I think for the most part I’m very supportive: “Yay Gods! They are great! Believe in Them! Trust Them!” Many times I feel like I’m a polytheist cheerleader.

But the truth is, there are a lot of negatives to being a tiny human working so closely with really big entities. And what my goddess gives, She can also take away.

My goddess is a big Goddesses. She can be overwhelming to most people, particularly if you’re not also a devotional polytheist and used to dealing with the energy gods bring. I’ve written about the reaction many people have to first encountering Her and Her energy here on the human plane. Very often, they cry. It’s such a common effect of Her influence that a friend has nicknamed Freya “Our Lady of the Runny Mascara”. I worked so closely with Her for so long–these past two years especially–that I’ve grown a bit immune to Her presence, or at least very used to it. In fact, I had started to take it for granted that She would always be here and that I could always carry Her energy and feel her presence.

I didn’t realize that this gift could also be taken away.

…….

Freya has gone away. She left me Thursday night. She was very sad, yet firm: She was leaving, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. It wasn’t anything I had done or not done; She just had to go. I cried; I raged; I shook my head in disbelief. I argued with Her, but got nowhere and also no answers or explanation. I couldn’t catch my breath; I kept feeling like I was getting sucker punched, over and over again.  Eventually, I turned out the lights, curled up on my bed in a ball, and cried my fricking eyes out.

……

I had gone to my Vanir altar just to check in. I had tried to log into work earlier to finish up a project, but couldn’t get on; with some extra time on my hands, I had decided to check in with my Gods. No big questions; just touching base. Freya had much to say about Freyr–that he’s passionate, tempestuous; generous; that He’s a gift and I should see Him as such. Njord chimed in a few times, too. I assumed they were just helping me adjust. The last few weeks have really showed me that Freyr was probably going to become a main god in my life–the main god, truth be told. It’s a realization I’ve been coming to slowly, and I’ve had a bunch of baggage around it. I’d finally gotten to the point where I accepted that this was even in the realm of possibility–that He would become more important to me than Freya, but I hadn’t quite accepted it yet. Baby steps, I thought.

Except, towards the end of Freya’s advice, I could feel Her start to pull away. Not “go away”, but “pull out”, as if She were an invading army that was beginning to go back home. Like She was a tidal wave, receding. Like blood, slowly being drained from my body. When  felt it start to happen, I freaked out and started to panic. Nonononononono, I kept thinking. This can’t be happening. We have a contract. We have a MFing contract!!

She cried, too, but She still left. I hadn’t realized how much space She had taken up until She started leaving. I had forgotten how big She was until She wasn’t there at all. How fiery and charismatic. How overwhelming and intense and necessary. And I thought, Wow–this must be what it is like to feel Her for the first time. How can people even handle it??

(Answer: They can’t.)

As She left, She took my hand, touched it to Her statue, and then touched it to my new Freyr plaque. I looked at Freyr. Freyr looked at me. WTF do you want? I asked Him, angrily. I WANT YOUR HEART, he said, winsomely. Me: Fuck that! That’s gotta be earned, buddy! And I curled up on the bed and cried.

Then, I got up and poured Him a beer, as Freya had suggested. I offered Him the foam. I tried to say some nice words, because I knew this wasn’t a punishment, and it wasn’t Freyr’s fault that She had to leave. (Though, in a way, it was.)

The next day, I called people, and I cried. I called my guy, and I cried. (Luckily, Hela and Loki had already told him the gist of what had happened. He was/is very supportive. Hela was compassionate but also full of tough love.) I talked to more people, and I cried. (I know Freya’s all about the crying, but I am not that much of a crier. Ever. Even in absolutely horrible circumstances, I don’t cry much. I’m amazed that I can type this at all and not start crying. I guess at this point I’m almost cried out.)

The current consensus between myself, my friends, and the Gods who are left is that Freya had to leave because She was standing so close to me, no one else could get in. She’s not gone forever. For now, though, I need to have the space to build my relationship with Freyr. There’s probably other reasons as well, but I either don’t need to know, or I will find out later. Emotionally, I feel like I’ve been dropped off at a new foster home with all my stuff in a backpack at my feet, with Mom driving away in the distance, not looking back. Spiritually, I feel like I’m house-sitting. It’s Freya’s house–Her stuff, Her energy, and I have the forwarding address–but Freya Herself is not here. I’m doing my best to keep a stiff upper lip and l do what I need to do and learn what I need to learn so She can come back as fast as possible. And. It. Sucks. Rocks.

…..

Why do I tell you guys any of this? For couple of reasons. 1) To let you know Love Notes from Freya are on hold, indefinitely. No idea when I’ll be able to do them again. (I might be able to do them while She is gone, but I don’t want to push Her hard enough right now to find out.) 2) Because this has fucking sucked, and I needed to vent about it. 3) Because others of you may have gone through something like this too, and I’d love any kind words of wisdom to help get me through, because IT. FUCKING. SUCKS. Also, 4) To let you know that being a devotional polytheist is not all happiness and rainbows and ecstatic godsex. Sometimes it’s having your heart ripped out, instead. Proceed with care.